Norskkurs Magazine, Oslo, December 27th, 1973:
Fredrik van Snow, window dresser, 42 years old of age, married and father of a seven year old child, was killed in the middle of the spacious living room of his 4th floor’s apartment on Karl Johans Gate Street, in the populous center of Oslo.
It happened at 12:15 a.m., on December 25th, 1973, after hearing 37 times in less than 5 hours: “Happy New Year” (in the original: “god jul og godt nyttar”).
From his grotesquely wide open mouth, a viscous, beige foam caterpillar appeared and started to absorb the carpet. It was the same carpet on which Fredrik’s dead body rested and where he was discovered by a horrified Dorothea van Snow. Hours after, the young wife and mother still couldn’t understand what have happened. “Right now, during holidays!” (…)
The full police report, which we have extracted the juiciest part, arrived in June 2013 at the hands of a group of restless Latvian scientists. According to what Leonid Karspesntein, legal representative of this team, said to this informer, these scientists will soon could affirm that “the overexploited, repeated Christmas wishes could cause and do cause severe and/or fatal damage to the cervical neural system (cervical opine) in some sensitive individuals, even the healthy ones”.
Reliable sources confirm population will be recommended to radically avoid “saturated expressions of any kind and replace them by others of his own creation or others, in any case less flawed and contaminated”, otherwise causing tragic and irreversible effects to their loved ones.
According to the same source, 267 more cases like Fredrik van Snow’s have been detected in First World countries during the second half of the twentieth century, and in obvious acceleration so far this century, being mistaken with dyspepsia attacks (indigestion in general) or acute myocardial infarctions. From here, our sincere desire to reverse, together, this dark tide of death.
Pedro Lezcano Jaén